hello, it's me!

Elliot Fong

Alameda, California, United States

I try to be the guy that nobody expects me to be.

I try my best to put all my trust, faith, and love in God's hands.

I turn to him in times of need.

I try to be the best I can be.

You have my trust until you break it.

Though I also forgive, but you must be able to forgive me if the time ever comes.

I'm a pretty outgoing guy, I really like to just talk, and hang out with friends, I love meeting new people.

previous posts

nurul

talk

credits

By Elies
Base Code & Inspiration nostalgia.
Images squidfingers createblog
celestial-star

how can i ask for more? @ 2:47 PM

so many things i thought would bring me happiness
some dreams that are reality today
such an irony the things that mean the most to me
are the memories that i've made along the way

so if there's anything i've learned
from this journey i am on
simple truths will keep you going
simple love will keep you strong
`cause there are questions without answers
flames that never die
and the heartaches we go through, are really
blessings in disguise
thank you Lord, how can i ever ask for more?

all this is quite true. (nurul) i've changed my mind. the truth will keep you going, and love will keep you strong. i'm going to keep with this. because this morning, when i got a SMS asking if i was alright. i knew that i was cared for. and all the things we go through, are really blessings in disguise. its just sometimes you don't see them right away. and of course the journey of love is never easy. but all the fights and arguements you go through, help a relationship grow. even when you don't understand, just give it time, and everything will be revealed to your eyes. everybody falls, its how fast you get up that matters. so thank you to everybody. how can i ask for more? when everything is already set on the table. all i have to do is sit down and eat until i'm full. over the last 3 months, i have stumbled, fallen, and hit the wall. my heart has felt warmth, cold, and broken. but this is how we learn right? without mistakes you can never learn. the good times and the bad. people have asked me before, "what did i do to deserve this?". i've even seen you post it on your blog. the answer is that you didn't do anything to deserve it. its just the way God made it to be. nobody asks to be a hero, it just sometimes turns out that way. but you can't deserve good times and not bad. they need to even out. so the truth is. you don't deserve anything, because we are dirty by ourselves. we are pure white with God. but many times the way God teaches us, is by tripping us up and make us fall down. i'm not going to ask for more, i'm just going to accept what He lets me borrow. because everything is his, and we must return it to him when our time here on earth is done. olivia, you mean so much to me still. and i promised myself you would for as long as i could. whether or not you feel the same, we'll always be friends. very special friends. and i'll be there whenever you need someone. because you were a blessing in disguise for me. and i give all the thanks to our Father. i can not ask for more.
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blinded by the light @ 7:20 AM

so i guess i've decided to stop trying. its just not there anymore. since that night it all went wrong. i'm not too sure what to do now. so i think i'll just leave it as that. i'm going paintballing tomorrow. maybe it'll get my mind off this for a little while.
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i won't survive @ 7:38 AM

alright. not much new. thursday morning. today isn't gonna be that bad. i have fun classes today. this morning i talked to nurul and naomi, and chatted with oli. then all of a sudden they all said they had to go. grrr. >.< thats alright they are all awesome people to talk to. i love all 3 of ya. i miss singapore. i needa go back. i've been playing a lotta tennis lately. i love that little rush you get when u do it right and win, or do it wrong and lose. i love that anxiety. so lately i've been missing you. missing the times like when i first came back. but i guess all i can do is let things play out.

I know it's not enough to say I'm wrong
You know that I will miss you now you're gone
I know it's not your life to see this through
Just know that in my heart, it beats for you
So leave a little note for me behind
I swear I have to know the reasons why
This won't survive

But if you fall back into my life
I'd spend every night waking up to the beat I hear inside
Telling me to be your only one

But if you fall back into my life
I promise you I would never let another day just pass us by
I could never leave this world undone
I want to be your only one

And now it's not the same with you away
Just holding onto hope to save my days
I won't survive
So just stay with me tonight, and try

But if you fall back into my life
I'd spend every night waking up to the beat I hear inside
Telling me to be your only one

But if you fall back into my life
I promise you I would never let another day just pass us by
I could never leave this war unsung
I want to be your only one

But if you fall back into my life
I'd spend every night waking up to the beat I hear inside
Telling me to be your only one

But if you fall back into my life
I promise you I would never let another day just pass us by
I could never leave this world undone
I could never leave this war unsung
I want to be your only one
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complete.. almost @ 9:29 PM

SONG SOOO CLOSE TO COMPLETE! we spent all afternoon recording. now all its missing is the piano part because monina couldn't come to my house. ahhh. but we'll get it eventually. here's the link to where the song is. www.myspace.com/elliotfong its called bandages. i think its our best song yet. i lovee it so much. anyway. its tuesday. i talked to you today =]. it was really nice. i loved it. so yeah its tuesday... i'm still here. i still like you. and hopefully i can stop saying this soon. i guess i'm like him. i don't wanna give you up either. i don't even know if i should. but it was a nice conversation. i like listening. so tennis tomorrow. i getta try out my friend's brand new raquet, and he said if i liked hit he'll sell it to me for cheap. its pretty late and since i have just spent all day recording. i haven't touched my homework. haha so uhm. im gonna stop blogging here. bye!
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now is not forever at all @ 9:50 PM

i'm going to do my best to help you, but there is only so much i can do. i can't tell you that i will make it all better, but i can tell you that i'll be there for you forever. don't lose hope. things will get better, just give it time. tomorrow will come and today will be gone.
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James 1:2-7 @ 10:56 PM

so i was doing my devotions today, and i was reading this book. and it showed me this passage. i would like to share it with you guys. this is from the new american standard version...

Consider it all joy, my brethern,
when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of your
faith produces endurance.
adn let endurance have its perfect
result, so that you may be perfect
and complete, lacking in nothing.
but if any of you lacks wisdom,
let him ask of God, who gives to all
generously and without reproach,
and it will be given to him.
but he must ask in faith without
any doubting, for the one who doubts
is like the surf of the sea, driven and
tossed by the wind.
for that man ought not to expect
that he will recieve anything from the Lord.

James 1:2-7
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been a while @ 11:13 PM

man its been a while since i've posted. uhm so yeah. lately.. school has been alright. pretty busy. doing a double sport semester. long and tiring days, but its all worth it =] anyway yesterday we had "freshman welcome night" at fellowship. hilarious. we basically make freshman do stupid things. haha. here is a short video of just a little bit of the fun we had with them =P http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of85NDe6VEE besides that everything has been okay. i shaved my head today =] i'm not completely bald. haha but i have really short hair. now i don't have to worry about combing it in the morning haha. =].. i've been having a lotta homework lately. its just a little stressful. uhm. i was on the phone with nurul earlier tonight, haha. crazy girl. fun to talk to though. uhm. what else.. i finished writing the song, i posted the lyrics already. we didn't add anything to it. my friend monina is making a piano part to it. it's going to sound awesome. and this is to her. keep your chin up okay? everybody goes through those times. just ask for help when you need it. thats what friends are for right? =]
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tennis @ 11:14 PM

hehe okay okay i admit it. i posted that last one on nampi's blog. lol but she knows its true...anyway. so today first tennis practice. went alright, its kinda hard to do tennis and cross country at the same time. but eh. i guess thats how it is right? u gotta work for the things you want. for the better... the honest truth is that i miss you. every single freaking day. but i guess you still don't know how much i actua care. i guess in life you can't have what you want even though your the one that wants it the most. it just doesn't work thallyt way. ya know there's a girl named olivia in my history class. every time the teacher calls attendance and she says here. my heart sinks and in my mind, i think. "i wish you were". i'm lost right now. and i don't really know what to do or say. i guess i'll leave it as that. and yes nurul. haha. ur blogs do make me smile sometimes, just because they're a bit odd. but thats alright. its what makes it special.
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breaktime @ 7:53 PM

whoa whoa whoa. so i've come to the conclusion that reading the blogs of the people you care about can either make you smile and feel all warm inside. it can totally piss you off like no other. it can make you feel completely clueless and confused. or it can make you just give a little laugh or a grin. except nurul's blog, her's is kinda... unique if you will. haha. i can totally dig that. it just makes me kinda smile and laugh a bit. not too many feelings inside about it. just kinda light, and brightens everything up just a little bit. same thing with the phone. maybe she's just a weird person. yeah that works. haha but i can dig the energy. i love it. but in this case... the puzzle just solved itself. well. lets just say this time i think its me that should take a break before i say something completely stupid, mean, and rude. i need to think about what i should do next. heck, i don't even know what i should say. aside from that it l0oks to me that in my position i can only make things worse. i'll be here if u need help. but i really gotta just stop reading your blogs and stuff like that. everytime your page is loading i get scared because i know it'll either hurt, make me smile, but those haven't been coming up for a while, or be completely confused because i have no idea what your talking about. its never just a little bright blog about your day. so yeah, gimme like a week. anyway. thats all imma post tonight. here are the lyrics to my new song. i promised nurul i would post this up so here it is. give me your constructive critizism. pleasee... this song is called "Bandages"

verse 1

How am i suppose to understand
when you have kept me in the dark
i saw it coming but i
didn't want to believe it

Chorus

when we met face to face
and you walked away
you left me here in the cold

there are no bandages
for this heart of mine
that has shattered into pieces

and i will never be the same

Verse 2

sometimes you only get one chance
to make everything work
i gave you two shots
but you threw it all away

Bridge

Now i've learned
to lock my heart
`cause i'm tired of the tears
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? @ 6:55 PM

questions that can not be answered yet. confusion blowing my mind. we'll see. today was alright, we ran x-country. i'm so out of shape. we had a 1 mile time trial. i put up 6:08 =\. i wanted to break 6 minutes. oh well, next time i guess. anyway. not too much in the mood to blog. a lot on my mind. well... its tuesday, i'm still here. i still like you. iuno how you feel but i like how we talk a little bit now. and again, i'll always be here as your friend. just tell me the truth and what you want. i can't promise i'll be happy but i'll respect your decision. =]. well. READ NAMPI'S BLOG I LOVE IT =]]]]]]]].
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what changed? @ 7:35 AM

so my life is looking up. but there is still confusion in the air. so many questions left unanswered. i must bare the questions to ask. what changed? what happened? why? i just do not understand.
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be the center of my life... @ 10:22 PM

Lord i'm sorry. Yesterday i saw how i can let my anger get the best of me. maybe u did this so i can see that i still have a lot more to work on in this world. Lord i don't know what to tell you. i try, but i always fall short. Lord without you i can not do anything. i'm not sure why all this happened but please, be the center of my life. how can i further your kingdom, when i'm so wrapped up in mine? Lord let my world revolve around you. Thank you for your grace and mercy. Thank you for bringing joy into my life. Please be with all of us that must work hard at school, please keep us focused on the things we need to do. Thank You. In Jesus' name we pray~Amen

You’re the center of the universe
Everything was made in You Jesus
Breath of every living thing
Everyone was made for You

:Pre-Chorus:
You hold everything together
You hold everything together

:chorus:
Christ be the center of our lives
Be the place we fix our eyes
Be the center of our lives


We lift our eyes to heaven
We wrap our lives around your life
We lift our eyes to heaven, to You
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mistakes @ 11:31 PM

dumbest mistake of my life
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taken advice @ 2:10 PM

ya know. i got a call last night at like 12:40 from vivian. she called, just to make sure i was alright. man it was awesome. though she is my best friend and all, i would've never expected her to call just for that reason. she really is my best friend. so i'm going to take her advice. there isn't anything i can do to make this situation better. so why not just keep going with your life and whatever happens... happens.. i talked to emma yesterday too. that was a nice change. i haven't done that in a while. oh yeah. last night. before vivian called. i got a call from my old old friend kristina. kinda out of no where. i haven't talked to her in 5 years... i couldn't even believe it. it was awesome. we were talking for a long time. we got all caught up with each other. =]. school starts tomorrow, but my mind is still a bit occupied. its like the more you try not to think about something, the more it affects you. eh thats alright. i probably won't have as much time to blog and stuff once school kicks into high gear. so many people that actually care are here. and i love them all so dearly. whether they're as close as vivian, who i've known almost all my life.. or if i just met them less than two weeks ago like nurul, or if i lost contact with them for 5 years and gave me a call and we got caught up like kristina. everybody, i love them. and i like talking to them. but i must accept. that there is nothing anyone can do. so lets just continue living, serving God. letting whatever his will is happen. and then accepting that. olivia i'm sorry for all the trouble i've caused for you. however long it'll take to talk to you, tomorrow or 5 years from now. whenever it doesn't matter. maybe not to you, but to me, you are still a really good friend and i still treasure our time together in singapore, and all those conversations we've had. my goal is still to go back next year. jonathan, make sure your ready for a lot of scrubs [;[;. haha. and nurul you gonna take me for some sugar cane juice right? =P. nampi. lets go get you a little bit to drink so i can see how insane you really are. lol. but oli, i've never told you this but i really look up to you, your strength and your faith is so much stronger than mine. keep doing what you do alright? =]. i got all the pictures from singapore from victor. they're all very nice. so well. i completely went off of my original point. i can't let this bring me down and i hope you agree with me. i'm going to keep pushing forward, and whenever you decide to meet up again i'll be here. =]

Lord Thank You. Amen

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whoaa @ 10:45 PM

alright yeah i know i've posted twice today already. but i was just watching tyler hilton and scrubs. omgosh. they crack me up. turned my frown upside down. =]. but just to exaggerate. all i said in the second post is all true. and my hopes are high again. doesn't matter what is our status together. friends is more than enough of what i deserve from you. and i thank you again for all you have already done for me. and also learning patience. =]] have a good day
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done deal @ 9:56 PM

ya know what. haha nurul.. ur mom seems pretty nice. i was kinda scared to tell her i was from the states. but eh she was alright with it. anyway. on to whats really on my mind. about the last blog. scratch it okay.. i'm just gonna trust God. and i'm going to trust you. i'll make it through somehow. i just want to be your friend in the end. thats all. i guess you should focus on your exams. i trust you. my mind just keeps.. doubting no matter how much i know that everything is God's will. but i do ask for your prayer to be strong. take your time. i'm not sure what is going to happen. but i guess there isn't much i can do about it. Trust is all we need, and we need it in everything we do.
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still water @ 8:26 PM

hm. still nothing. =\. i just keep reminding myself that now is not forever at all. its gonna get better. everything changes. tomorrow comes and today will be gone... i just don't know. it seems like your doing alright without me but i'm not doing so good without you... i wonder if you miss me, or if you even think about me. or does it matter to you at all anymore? uhm. well. we pulled a all nighter yesterday. we played games all night. except we had to work the rummage sale in the morning and food bank in the afternoon so i'm pretty much about to crash. yeahh. michael phelps! haha. he's unstoppable. school going to start soon. its going to get even harder to talk to you. ahh i don't know how i fell again. just the curiosity and wonder of ever talking is getting at me again. for some reason the other day in the car i just had the guts to play in better hands.. not such a good idea. hm.. we'll leave it as that, i really gotta stop talking about it. it messes with my brain and then i want to just get outta here and never read another blog because i'm scared of what they say. i just have a lotta doubts again. they keep sneaking up on me. i keep doing something or somebody else tells me something and i feel alright. but then i fall back down again and never even see what hits me down. i need something solid. all the "its alright", "its going to get better". from other people don't really help. because we both know that we don't know that for sure. this is kind of selfish i know. but i'm scared that one of these times i'll fall so hard and instead of trying again i'll get up and walk away. please. just, ugh. uhm... just give me something that i can hold on to for dear life. i know this is really selfish, but i'm truely afraid. just. tell me that u do think about this, tell me that i'm still important and not just that thing that could go either way and it wouldn't matter. i don't want to let you down. i am afraid right now, what if i can't get out, what if i don't want to be save? i look for you but i can't see your face. just please. thats all i ask of you. something solid. please. i am weak and i am sorry.
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now is not forever @ 2:03 PM

hm... i just picked up my new school schedule. its pretty good but i don't have marine biology anymore >.< more ="]." style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0); font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">RED... and I like MONKEYS =D. hahaha
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hey hey hey @ 12:47 AM

hey i haven't posted in a while. its kinda 1 in the morning so i'll probably post sometime soon. been pretty busy. not home very often. sleeping at other peoples houses. watching dogs and stuff like that. i'll talk about it in a couple days. i got another sleep over at church so i won't be on for a while. welcome to call anytime [;[;. i talked to nurul today. it was a nice change =]. i really enjoyed it. been watching a lot of olympics late at night. all i gotta say is. GO USA! =]]. Lets go Michael Phelps, Misty May-Treanor, Natalie Caughlin, Redeem Team Mens Basketball, and SHAWN JOHNSON =]. Bring home the Golds! anyway. haha. besides that i've been hanging in there. not worried or scared or any of that stuff anymore. i'm trying to best understand the situation and just trying to focus on my relationship with God and soon to be school work. this break is not too bad after all. its given me the chance to see the things i've missed since i got back. my life doesn't revolve around those calls anymore. i actually want to get up in the morning and play basketball and do something other than sit around sad. i guess its a good thing but it doesn't mean i don't miss her. on to other things. my schedule got mixed up so i'm still waiting to get it changed. but thats a long story for another day. i can hardly keep my eyes open right now haha. i went to school today to see my counsoler, on the way out i saw all the freshman (first year students). HAHA. they look so cute standing there all quiet listening to the teacher. oh man am i gonna have fun with them. i got messed with when i was a freshman. so this year, oh man oh man, its gonna be fun messing with them. =]. lol. i've also been trying not to swear lately. i'm doing alright but my mouth slips sometimes. my sister showed me a song that just killed me. so imma show it to you all. =]

Just Give It Time - Jon McLaughlin

Still waters, heavy hearts
Plans we make all fall apart
Disillusioned and lost in the gray
How can we fix the heart when it breaks?
Don't know how much more you can take

[Chorus:]
Just give it time
It's gonna get better
Now is not forever at all
Just give it time
Everything changes
Tomorrow comes today will be gone
Everything's gonna be fine
Just give it time, give it time

Quiet landslide when nobody knows
Regretted decisions that nobody chose
Under water and sinking fast
No way out, no way to get back
What might have been is lost in the past

[Chorus]

When the world you're in is still again
And it all fades out
You've reached the end, begin again now

[Chorus]

[2x]
Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright
Just give it time
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omgosh i am so sorry. please... @ 5:45 PM

i have been thinking the whole car ride back from camp what i should say to you. i couldn't really think of much. here goes nothing.. =\. i'm so sorry. i understand now. its just sometimes i get impatient and anxious. your trust is something i never want to lose. i can only hope you can forgive me. when i came back from singapore my heart was on fire. when u just suddenly stopped talking it was like it started raining on a cloudless day. i wasn't prepared. all i could do was hope that the fire would keep burning. i didn't really know what to do. i hope you can see a little bit through my eyes. i got scared. my heart may not be as strong as yours. i just need some reassurance sometimes. i can't tell you how sorry i am. i know i should be more understanding. please forgive me. i haven't been the best to you lately. i'll give you as much time as you need. i will stop worrying and bothering you. just. give me some reassurance that your still there sometimes. please. its tuesday. i'm still here. i still care. last i must thank you. even if you don't forgive me. i won't be mad. or anything like that. thank you for helping me see how i was being. thank you for helping me see that i need to be more understanding. and thank you for helping me see, that i can only rely on God for help. thank you for making my relationship with God so much stronger. ever since i've met you, you have been doing that every single minute. you have helped me grow in so many ways i can not write down all of them. i'm also sorry for writing all over your blog. i did just exaggerate it. i really needed you to read how i was feeling. take your time okay? i won't leave. whatever you decide i'll be okay with it. slow, fast, now, never. i'm your friend and your brother in christ first =]. i trust you and i'll be praying. may i have your trust back?

this is a song that i heard on scrubs, and its actually a christian song. i love it. haha me and jonathan have been talking about scrubs for a long time. i watched season 5 all over again. here's the lyrics. they mean so much to me.

kutless - all the words

How do I speak of the indescribable to You
I will try to explain these feelings that are true
So looking to the sky I will sing and from my heart to You I bring

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship
I worship You

In your presence I forever choose to live
I will praise You for it's all I have to give
So looking to the sky I will sing and from my heart to You I bring

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship

By Your grace You let me come talk to You
It's not that I'm worthy I thank you Jesus
For the love that You have shown

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship

With all of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship
I worship You










i'm sorry. you mean so much to me, i'm trying my best to not mess this all up, please bare with me that i am not as strong as you. i'll always be here
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Patience. @ 8:12 PM

I will be here as long as I can. But I will always be here as a friend. You just have to let me inside.
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unbelievable @ 12:47 AM

well. today i finally see. God does have a plan. i went to fellowship. talked out all my problems. prayed privately. all the good stuff. we had like a 10 person worship team. they finally put me on a mic so i got to sing today =]. we had a acoustic guitar, electric bass, drums, voilin, 5 singers, keyboard, and piano. and me on the electric guitar. it was amazing! hard to work with though because there were so many of us on one little stage. i love the fellowship. so today i finally saw that i have an obsession. the lesson today was on first samuel. david.. how he ran away from saul by going into the land of the philistines... the enemy's territory. he lied straight to the king. he was waiting for many years, waiting for God to deliver him from saul. he was anxious. just like i am. he needed to be patient. he needed to continue trusting God, that he will protect him. It is amazing. God really opened my eyes tonight. all the reassurance, comfort, patience. all in one night. and to think, i almost didn't go because i thought i would be distracted. victor also spoke about worrying. why do we worry? there is no reason to worry. we must trust that God has everything under control. so i'm going to try my best not to worry. but it is only human to worry. we must always pray and look into the word. we need both, it is like a package deal. u gotta have a relationship with God by praying, and know what he wants from reading the bible. i learned so much this week. 6 out of 7 days were completely miserable, but this last day. completely helped me understand. be patient, don't worry. its all in his hands. i just have to trust him. what a wonderful maker. my whole spiritual life has changed since singapore. i loved that trip. and i love the people there. haha. cute little alex and that balloon. gosh. i miss you guys. =].

Lord thank you for this wonderful night. thank you that i was able to open up to vincent. Lord all these problems i have right now, just throw them out the window. Lord i know you have it all under control. thank you for giving me comfort. please continue to keep me strong. keep me patient. Lord sometimes we must just wait, and not try to take things into our own hands. just like david. waiting for you to deliver him from saul. but he took it into his own hands and went into the land of his enemies. Lord please help me continue to trust in you. and not to worry about a thing. Lord i love you. Please continue to be with her, whether or not she wants to talk to me, there is nothing i can do about that. but Lord please let her have a good national day. have some fun. and Lord don't let her worry about a thing. there is no reason for it. thank you for opening my eyes this week. it did hurt, but the pain is over now, i know that i must just wait for whatever you have in store for me. Lord thank you for your grace. In your son's name~Amen
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still stuck @ 6:28 AM

ugh, what the hell. iuno whats wrong with me. this is so frustrating. i can't get mad because she did tell me what she wanted. but never say "you deserve better", believe me you have no idea what i use to be. i find that girls like it when a guy is listening to them. is that right? tell me if i'm wrong. so i tried to listen, i tried to help her work out her problems. but yesterday i found out that, because i've been just listening, she never really got a chance to hear what i was going through. =\. i keep waking up this early, hoping i would get a call or something. i know i really shouldn't, but my body just keeps waking up at this time. fellowship today, its been a week since that stupid concert... ugh, i guess as humans we just need to find someone or something to blame. i don't know if i can take going to fellowship. i know i have to because i must play for worship but i know my heart and mind won't all be there. i'm sorry God. What a wonderful God you are and we continue to make mistakes. over and over again. Lord i am truely sorry. i have become obsessed with being friends and talking to her. help me understand, that i just need to wait. in a blink of an eye time will fly. sometimes i feel disappointed by the same i spend my time, how can i further your kingdom when i'm so wrapped up in mine.

Lord, thank you. thank you for your mercy love comfort grace, Lord i shouldn't be asking for them because you have already given them to me. Lord you deserve to take my life and throw it away. thank you for showing me. I need you Lord. Guide my heart and mind. please let it be there tonight. there isn't much more i can do about this situation Lord, it is in your hands now. Thank you
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help me... @ 6:36 PM

somebody help me. i just don't know what to do anymore. the waiting is killing me. i've lost it all. i talk to people, but i know that they can't do anything about it. i haven't done anything all day. i overslept. i wanted to talk to naomi. but i'll try again tomorrow. school is starting soon. i don't know what i'm going to do when that happens. i still have to get good grades for singapore next year. i'm not sure if i can do that. i can't even focus on anything right now. i'm sure as time passes it won't hurt as much. but we will see. what happens to all the plans for next summer? i don't know. jer asked if i wanted to go play badminton with him, that just killed me. i don't know. i just don't know. i guess i'm still on with jonathan. haha. watch a bunch of scrubs and have a slurpee chugging contest. that should be fun. *Sigh* at least i still have my guitars. i love them so much. everytime i get depressed i look to them. and i play them all day so that even new strings become old by the end of the day. screaming my lungs out hoping someone will hear and be able to help me. I gotta keep strong though, i gotta continue praying. there's not much else on my mind right now. i did everything i was suppose to, to try and keep my mind busy. but that didn't last very long. "here we stand together another day has passed us with its lack of change, and all we have is what we share and all we want is someone else to be there. and if the sun should set tonight, hold our secrets up to the sky, as our shadows grow there's nothing left to hide, and if you ever doubt, you will know that i still wonder how many times that i've compared the stars to your eyes. we will make it through, no matter the cost we've gone this far why not find out how it works out for you and me, we will make it through, i thought we were lost but somehow we haven't found a way and i hope that we never do."

Dear heavenly father. please, i pray for your mercy, grace, love, comfort, and wisdom. please. help me.

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no more i can do @ 8:50 PM

i'm not sure if oli's last blog was about me. so i'm not gonna respond on it until i know for sure. either way, it makes me sad. i can't see her go down like that. i know she'll get back up, but i hate that i know she's going down and i can't help her. i know she deserves space, imma give it to her and hope and pray that she will come back and talk to me as a friend, and only a friend. yes i do still like her, but there's no point in that right now. sometimes God tears down your whole world so you can focus more on him, so thats what i'm going to do, i'm going to focus on God during this break. update on my devotions i was reading in 2nd samuel. i will trust that God will protect me while i speak his word and share the gift. so today i had to get my mind off this because as much as i want to think its not me, i still have that little feeling in the back of my head that it is me she is talking about. i was sad most of the day. i mean, if it is me, i'm glad she told the truth, though there are some things i disagree with, i'm not going to say it now. i tried to find something stupid to do just to keep my mind busy. i was reading a book, played a little games, decided to pull out the electric guitar, and.. i got a pedicure. weird huh. haha. my sister came home and said she was going to get her nails done. haha she was like wanna go with me? i had nothing better to do, and i thought this would at least crack a little laugh outta me. it did. haha. it kinda hurt too. but it brightened up the mood. i got a chance to talk to amos and kristy in singapore which was a nice change, i haven't heard from them in a while. i miss them. 8 more days until kristy is back! =]. well. thats about it. does anybody even read my blogs? lol. i don't know but its alright, it helps get things off my mind. quite a show this was, really had me going, but now its time to go, curtains finally closing, that was quite a show, really entertaining, but its over now, go on and take a bow. now i gotta wait until the next show.
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whatever it takes @ 7:53 PM

If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes
I know you deserve much better
Though you gotta love yourself if you can
ever love me.
but its hard because i can not physically be there
for you.
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every week @ 3:51 PM

so, every week, every tuesday, i'm going to remind you that i am still here, that i still care, that i still miss you, that i am still your friend over all. Lets not think about anything more than friends, at least not right now, i can't tell what will happen later. Oli i am just your friend, so it is tuesday, and i miss you, i'm here still, waiting for you to be refreshed. i'm not going to give up on you, you are not a waste of anything...

last night i talked to my best friend on the phone. its very odd because we hardly ever talk on the phone. we talked for like. 4 hours until 2 something in the morning. it was just a regular good friends conversation, nothing flirty or romantic, none of that, just 2 friends. i haven't had one of those in a long time. i loved it. unfortunately i scheduled breakfast with my friend and 8:30 in the morning. haha i had some trouble and went 15 minutes late. haha. 2 of my best friends in one day. pretty awesome. we watched a movie called "the perfect man" it is pretty good. chick flick. but still pretty good. thats all i've really done today. just been praying a lot, did my devotions. still a little down but nothing can stop that. maybe its time my heart took a rest too. i don't really know.
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:) @ 6:12 AM

thats all i needed. =], and its totally fine to need time, i just wanted you to tell me. call me when your ready =]. and don't ever say your a waste of money or whatever. i don't think so, money can't ever compare to a friendship. it doesn't matter. take your time, i just needed to hear it from you. i'm praying for you.
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wth @ 2:53 PM

what the hell am i suppose to do now? whatever...
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When The Rain Comes @ 10:43 AM

alright, well its been a long long while since i've posted.many things have happened. in the one week basketball tournament my team tied for first place, but in the end we lost the championship by 2 points. two freaking points, thats one basket. ahh. but its alright, we did our best. =]. i spoke to her a little bit this morning, but it wasn't great. i haven't really gotten a chance to talk seriously on the phone lately. i guess its just something i gotta deal with. i've been missing you a lot lately. "i can't stop the rain, from falling down on you again, i can't stop the rain, but i will hold you 'til it goes away. When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done, when the storm fades you know that rain must fall on everyone, so rest a while, it'll be alright, no one loves you like i do."... but hey, gimme a call when your ready to talk alright, i have plenty of time to wait. =] also, thanks naomi for the talk yesterday, it was nice. i haven't talked to you in a while. yesyerday in fellowship we learned about mercy. it was pretty cool how david had so many chances to take down saul. he understood that, who is he to put the Lord's annoited to death. lately i've been trying to find who i am. what my identity is. i haven't exactly figured it out yet but i'm looking. so we also had worship yesterday, it went pretty good. i love doing worship, next week my friend brian is going to play acoustic so i can finally bring my electric guitar =]. after practice my best friend vivian wanted to learn how to play guitar. so i had to stay and teach her a bit, and i was starving. all i ate for dinner was 1 and a half glazed donuts. haha. i bought 2 but the lady gave me 4 since they were closing. ben and mike took one, and viv took half of one. it was yummy. i was starving again when i got home, but i couldn't eat. by then there was a lot on my mind. we have a guys sleepover coming up, that should be so crazy. haha. omgosh i'm excited. oh and jer is taking me to a hillsongs concert, i'm really excited for that too. hopefully nat is going to get me a university of hawaii sweater =]. im really excited for that also, haha, it looks really cool.

Dear heavenly father,
please be with the ones i care so much about Lord. please be with her as she is just struggling. Lord going through hard times, they always come. Just like the rain. Lord calm her heart, and Lord, let her know that everything is in your hands and that everything is alright as long as she has you. also let her know that i will always be there for her, because she is a very good person and a even better friend. Lord please continue to be with all of my other friends, please keep them safe. i love them all so much. Thank you for the fellowship, I look forward to it every single week and it never fails to disapoint. Lord please help me find who i am, what my identity really is. Thank you once again for your creation.I praise your name. In Your name we pray~Amen

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